Delayed luggage led to another monumental panic attack and I’d be doing a disservice if I lied about what comes next. It’s probably something I need to speak to my doctor about when I get home but it was managed. At this point I’m aware that the situation is beyond breathing exercises and positive thinking and it needs a bit more. But there’s even places to help with that. And it passed. I was in Rome eating focaccia drinking peroni and watching Jenna marbles compilations. It was okay.
Just like in that paragraph, which needed to be said for a while but felt very fitting to include now, the first day I was feeling particularly smug. This was because we’d found a few of Rome’s hidden gems and cheap finds, like a lift at the back of the Altar of The Fatherland which sold panoramic views for 2 euros (because we were under 25). There were a few places like that, in Greece as well, which gave discounts for under a certain age, student in the EU, student somewhere JUST out of the EU, and things like that- definitely worth keeping an eye on. There was so the Hadrianeum, hidden as the Rome chamber of commerce, that gave a free 4D experience of the building throughout the ages. All pretty successful and girlboss considering I had no luggage and medication. Even if I had a mini nap in the Rome Chamber of Commerce, that feels pretty funny to say.
But the next day it kicked in.
I’d woken up flat as hell and I did my usual S.O.S routine, which included getting on with it - dressing up nice to make myself feel better. It was like this for the next few days, even after my luggage and medication had arrived, for the Roman Forum, The Colosseum (search P.AR.C card for a class youth discount) and Vatican City. These amazing sites are on every Rome-themed Pinterest board, and wandering through the streets I started to see myself among them too. But I couldn’t shake feeling stupid when my body and head weren’t playing along. I was in pain, anxious and overwhelmed in crowds. This was a much faster pace than solo travel has been for me so far, and the nasty mindset I’d left Glasgow in started to creep in (which, at the end of a trip I was feeling pretty proud about, was not ideal). Self-talk ,that usually sets me off, stepped in. I’d gotten all dressed up for a lovely day out but my body wasn’t moving at the speed my friend’s was. And I was trailing behind her looking a way which got worse with the spiral, which I very much identified with being an ‘Old Hannah’ trait. But then I was also questioning myself and the pain I was in. Was I being dramatic? It’s happened before. It’ll happen again. Is my pain actually that bad that I can’t manage to walk to the ticket office and need to sit down inside as soon as we’re there? I’ve always glorified a high pain tolerance threshold and this felt like giving up, and giving into my brain. But it got dealt with. I did things. I stopped. I took my tablets on time. I had me-time and my friend got a break. It wasn’t Pinterest perfect ‘cool-girl’, but it was fun. An experience at the very least, and that’s what I was after when I had my panic attack at the station a month ago.
The Capitoline Museum was another key research day, it the layout was a bit challenging and I was a bit fragile. To get to the café, in a much needed rest period, there was a subsection on the map which it turns out is in the building opposite and, despite the open door with the guard in front of it which you could clearly access the building from, you could only access this underground. But this was my big research day. We’d left in frustration but I felt like I was copping out again, and my friend had other things she needed to see. But, looking back, I’d managed to see things I needed to see and a lot of things that I didn’t and had enjoyed anyway, and we definitely needed a rest and a change of scenery. I guess in hindsight it feels like less of a cop-out, but at the time I was very angry with myself and am honestly not too sure what we did after.
Saturday was a bit better. I’d gone out before my friend for a solo wander and shop (including the additional bag I’d bought the allowance for so I didn’t have a breakdown whilst packing) and met at McDonald’s for lunch. European McDonald’s is incredibly better than English McDonald’s and I’m incredibly salty about it. I took the rest of my McDonald’s to the Ara Pacis Museum, where I was incredibly grateful for the snack. When my friend wanted to do something that looked like a lot and wasn’t related to my project, I said I’d meet her later and bought some shoes, which I really enjoyed. Nothing deep abaout it, just taking on little specialised side-quest. She then joined be later for some shopping, which I found quite bonding, and night out that ended in a photoshoot infront of the Colosseum at 3AM.
Slightly hungover, I visited the Boca del Veritas, which was as amazing as amazingly touristy, whilst my friend did the Circus Maximus in depth, which I tagged along later to. That felt good, doing my own thing for a bit and meeting up later, and it kind of frustrating that it had taken us this long to actually be able to do it. But then we got into the other side of the forum which had a beautiful garden, The house of Augustus, and a beautiful viewpoint we’d seen from the Panoramic lift on day one. From the view over the forum, I called my dad for Father’s Day. This was very sweet and I felt very privileged to be able to do this, but I was starting to get hangry and upset that this wold be my last day on the trip, and I couldn’t find the way down to the main forum, plus the signal and maps were awful. SO the call went a little of piste at the end, but it was quite funny. Definitely an experience.
But what a beautiful place to finish in - so much history and beautiful sights that can only be done justice when you look at them on by one. As much as the lift was a great photo backdrop, it was quite cool to use my academic knowledge when travelling and even just seeing the fine details of some of the overpriced postcards in every tourist shop.I’ve had pretty good backdrops for whatever problems I’ve had, which is a very privileged thing to be able to say, but how do I apply this feeling of calm confidence I got from these beautiful backdrops to my one in Glasgow?
I’m still working on that.
And I’m glad and grateful I’ll be in Turkey within the month.
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